"hey, you made me think of this"

i am considering giving a copy of any poem/story i write about or inspired by someone to that person. i do not see it as a matter of fairness or deserving...i just feel they should have it.

However, there are some problems. i would want to include everything i write...or at least complete (for reasons to be explained later). Should i include the randoms that inspire me? they are often gone before i even begin writing, but what if they are still around? i want to avoid getting tased approaching a stranger. And what about the people with whom i no longer communicate. there are reasons for that. good reasons. or at least there are now. this project is not a sufficient excuse to try to bridge [most] of those one-time friend/relationships.

And there are more. My writings could be interpreted poorly. Some are not the nicest bits of writing. Some are mean. Some are angry. Some are passionate. All are my feelings (or my attempt to relate/understand a feeling i have never felt) but they do not necessarily represent how i feel beyond a moments wonder. i would not want someone to feel awkward around me because they think the writing a ballad of hatred/infatuation/apathy etc...

Some people will not care and some will not appreciate them. not the quality, i could care less what people think there. But the content...for my efforts to reach out, to include them in something important to me. that might hurt if we are friends. the ones i am not so familiar with will probably think i am creepy. even some i know might think that way. i have never been creepy; not sure how i feel about/would handle that. then there are the people who just do not like or understand poetry. Would i have to explain? Should i? Would they be open to the idea, or is the form itself so odious as to discount the conent?

i can only think of one reason to go through with my idea: i want to. i have never shared my writing (i.e. myself) on such a personal level beyond a few isolated incidents. i have never felt a huge desire for it...i am shy, a little apathetic and content writing for myself. And although the times i have shared i enjoyed the experience, those have been with a very few close friends, and it was sharing, not just me handing out words on paper and saying "you made me think of this." i also have some concerns about how my friends and other recipients might handle my writings. i am past the creepy thing, but i do not want to offend a friend because they misinterpret how i came to write these words. i am not sure they would be able to make the connection between themselves and whatever i put to paper. not saying this in a degrading way; i can hardly follow my own thought process, i think it a little much to expect of anyone else.

i really do not want to bother anyone. And this seems a wholly selfish idea to involve people (most of whom i care about to varying degrees) in an endeavor that appears to serve them with nothing more than a bit of nuissance and confusion. but thinking this is exactly why i want to share the writings without prejudice: to break free from the worry/fear that frustrates pieces of my life. i have always kept my feelings inside, and the more i feel the tighter and deeper it is held. but there are a couple recent instances where i have let go and opened myself up to other people. it was an experience...not entirely unpleasant, and although it freaks me out a bit, i feel better afterward.

letting go the things i hold closest--my fears, hopes and regrets--allows me to enjoy life without thinking so much. once i put something on paper, the worry that fades is tangible, and the calm i feel inside matches the calm i have outside. letting people in feels like that, but with a vulnerability that brings me closer to myself and closer to those people i care about.

still not sure if i will go through with my thoughts...